You have the right to be safe. Tell an adult if you're being bullied.
In our first ever Ask Mom article, we cover the very difficult topic of bullying. This is a topic that is very prevalent these days and is very hard to respond to. A mother of three, Kristal Murphy from Roanoke Rapids, N.C. responds to the question below.
I go to a private school. My parents can afford the tuition, but money is tight, so I go without the designer clothes the other kids wear…and they make fun of me because of it. How can I learn to hold my head up high and show compassion to others that have never shown any form of compassion toward me?
Bullying is a growing problem. We all know too well the pain associated with bullying. As a child, I was bullied by an older kid. He was bigger than me and was always surrounded by his friends. They all seemed to look down on me.
No one deserves to be bullied. If you are bullied, don’t blame yourself. It isn’t your fault. Bullies are just like you and me. They themselves are often going through problems and just don’t know what the solution is, so they strike out to those who they believe are weaker than them.
Bullies will be there, until someone stands up to them. No, I am not saying to go up to the bully and sock ‘em in the face. I am not saying that at all. To address bullying behavior, first learn about their history, try to understand them, and figure out their strategy.
Get to know your bully. Most bullies have a very poor self-image and lack people skills. They attempt to control others because they don’t want to feel small or insignificant. Because bullies have such poor self-esteem, they treat others disrespectfully. It’s a method of raising their own self-esteem by bringing down that of others around them, even if only for a few seconds.
How should you react when the bully targets you? Ignore them. Stand tall and hold your head high. Don’t let the bully see that they are affecting you. If you do respond to the bully, make sure you don’t resort to the same behaviors. Keep your voice even, calm. Call them by their name and avoid long explanations. If you do this early on, it shows the bully that you aren’t afraid of them and that you’re not going to put up with their negative behavior toward you.
Simply standing tall and not showing fear is enough to ward off most bullies. Remember, bullies are trying to intimidate you in order to gain control. Be strong and remember that bullies are just like us, struggling to get through our daily lives by any means possible. You are not the problem, the bully is. You have a right to feel safe and secure.
If simply standing tall is not working, or you don’t feel comfortable doing so, tell an adult you can trust. This isn’t snitching! You have a right to be safe and adults can do things to get the bullying stopped. Even if you think you’ve solved the problem on your own, tell an adult anyway, in case it happens again. An adult you can trust might be a teacher, school principal, parent, someone from your family, or a friend’s parent. If you find it difficult to talk about being bullied, you might find it easier to write down what’s been happening to you and give it to an adult you trust.
Here are some great websites with resources for you on bullying:
Stop Bullying.gov – http://www.stopbullying.gov
The Trevor Project – http://www.trevorproject.org
It’s My Life – PBS and Bullying – http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/friends/bullies/
I am the Mother of two, wonderful, grown men; and Granny to an exceptional granddaughter. I take a slightly different stand on this issue:
“Bullies are just like you and me. They themselves are often going through problems and just don’t know what the solution is, so they strike out to those who they believe are weaker than them.”:
Actually, I believe children, or adults, who bully, feel threatened by those who seem to be more likable, more real, confident, open, accepting, curious, than the bully feels. And, I agree that this stems from a view of their self, as unlikable, and vulnerable. They want to eliminate the threat; and they go about it by teasing someone they perceive as just possibly someone they have a chance of bringing down. They just want to see if they can crack the shell of that other person, whom they perceive as a threat to their meager esteem.
Another part to remember is that they may be experiencing bullying from role models, in the older children or adults, of their primary communities – their home, religious community, television, neighborhood, or that school, etc. – which engenders, and contributes to their sense of isolation and insecurity.
“How should you react when the bully targets you? Ignore them. Stand tall and hold your head high…”:
The sight of the targeted victim, standing tall and defiant, is more of a threat to the ego of the bully than ever. Now, the threat is palpable. Not only are they unlikable, they are also a failure, publicly!!
This will not dissuade a real bully; and often results in perpetuating their deep seated sense of isolation. It can, very often, increase their determination to beat you down, even if they have to enlist other parties who see violence and denigration as their only recourse to their untenable situation.
“Don’t let the bully see that they are affecting you.”:
Do not take that burden on yourself. Be authentic, and tell the bully, in a serious voice, that what they are doing hurts and confuses you; and that no one can treat you that way. It is not okay, not appropriate. I certainly do agree with the caution, “When you do respond to the bully, make sure you don’t resort to the same behaviors. Keep your voice even, calm. Call them by their name and avoid long explanations. If you do this early on, it shows the bully that … you’re not going to put up with their negative behavior toward you.”
However, I disagree that, to pretend that “you aren’t afraid of them,” is not only, mostly, not true (fear is an innate human tool which allows us, adults and children, to gauge the level of danger, in deciding to fight or flee), pretending also plays into their ploy. People who are socially insecure, often have a heightened sense of who will make the best target, by sensing the victim’s capacity to be overcome by fear in the face of attack. By lying to the bully, or “pretending,” you only convince them that they are on the right track.
Instead, let them know that their behavior is ineffective, and that it will only isolate them from the real community they wish to join.
Let them hear that you, too, have felt like an outsider when you first came to a school, church, town. That you didn’t know who you could trust. Let them hear that after they have been there a while, they will know their way around, and will not feel like such a curiosity, or so isolated. Let them hear that you and others will show them around and be friendly, while they find their footing in the community. Let them know that there are groups of friends who accept each other and their insecurities. Let them hear that we all have those feelings, especially when faced with new situations in life, or of life, as we grow and change, and move around. Many times we must face doubts that arise in us, as to our worthiness and our place in our communities, our society, our work and in our peer groups. Let them know that they are experiencing purely human feelings and concerns, regardless of their age.
Especially, understand this yourself, so you can face your own doubts, with compassion for yourself, as you grow. And, when you say this to a bully, be sure you mean it.
Then, in every case, tell someone else: a parent, a spouse, a friend, a teacher, a boss; write it in your journal, or send yourself an email describing the encounter. And be sure to explain what you did, and the immediate outcome. That way, you will have someone at your back, on your side, if the bullying continues. And, you will be able to let them know that, while a serious intervention is not required at that time – a watchful, supportive attention is warranted.
Well, that is this mom’s comments, from experience; and from feedback from those two sons.
Now, one last comment:
The questioner states that they attend a “private school…” and that her problem stems from the reality that, “money is tight, so I go without the designer clothes the other kids wear…and they make fun of me because of it.”
This is a situation that needs to be addressed in the entire school community of parents, teachers, administrators, and students. One solution has been adopted at the private, non-religious, school my glorious granddaughter attends. They require everyone to wear uniforms. Not only does that lessen the discrimination among students of differing income levels, it has the added benefit of removing the distraction of how one looks, and enhances the commitment to learning and cooperation.
Start a conversation in your family, school, groups, to find useful and creative ways to address the ways we perpetuate divisions among, otherwise, collaborative members of a diverse and vibrant society.
They should make a TV show called, “get to know your bully.”
I also disagree. I have encountered a few bullies in my day and I have always come back with a sharp, witty comment. It, more often than not, earned me begrudging respect. In fact, in 4th grade this kid who really had it out for me ended up turning to me after his father died because I was the closest thing to a friend he had – not because we were friends but because our relationship was, at least in his mind, that of equals.
Thanks for your article. I’m really enjoying your point of view here. I love the idea of seeing the hurt inside the bully, it really helps me get to compassion. Thanks for reminding me that when people lash out, they’re actually expressing their own fear and pain. Great reminder.